Farewell by Post
by Amavi
Summary: “Asch, it’s going to be a long flight. Why don’t you take a load off, and write a letter or something? Pardon my saying so, but you don’t have long to live, do you?” --Ginji


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**Disclaimer:** I don't own Tales of the Abyss, or the characters. I only control the words they say, the things they do, and the emotions they suffer from in this particular story. Nothing at all, really. ;D

**A/N:** In the original, I have a messy handwriting font for Asch's letter, but on fanfiction I guess the standard is all I can do. Sorry about that.

*/

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"Asch, it's going to be a long flight. Why don't you take a load off, and write a letter or something? Pardon my saying so, but you don't have long to live, do you?"

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Natalia,

I'm going to die soon. I know this is unusual, but since I'm dead now that you have this envelope, I figure what's the harm in talking to you one last time? There are things I must do, so I may not get the chance to say goodbye, and I thought I'd write you a letter. I think you're the only person who cares, really, so that's why I'm writing it to you. Actually, you're probably the only person who understands anything about me at all, or how I feel. This is so weird, writing to you like I'm trying to carry a conversation, but there are so many things that I was always too scared to say, and I think that you have a right to hear them.

The first thing is, I love you Natalia. I always have. I know I'm not very good at showing it, and I was scared at first that you preferred my replica, but when I look ahead at death and I realize that you're the only person in this world I've ever missed… it makes me a little sad to be leaving so soon. My life has been pretty screwed up, but there was never a day that passed when I didn't think about you. When I felt alone, I thought about your smile, and it always made me feel a little better to know that you had that replica to fill my place instead of an empty hole. Dreck or no, some small part of me was glad that he was there, so you wouldn't have to suffer the way I did. I was jealous as hell, and I hated the guy who took my life away from me, but at the same time I was glad. It's just pathetic though that the only way I could tell you this is on a piece of paper, but…you are precious to me, Natalia. I just wish I could see your face right now… but if I was brave enough to be there with you, would you be crying? Surprised? Angry? I'm such a coward, I have always been able to run away when I needed to… but now time is running out for me, and no matter where I run I'm still going to die.

That's partly why I'm writing to you. I know it's selfish of me to do this, but when you know you're going to die, and you have no more chances… there are things that come to mind. I'm traveling on the Albiore with Ginji and I have some spare time right now, and I really just have to be honest with someone, somewhere. I've been lying to myself for years and it's about time I stopped running from everything. It's like I've forgotten everything about being human… how to laugh, how to cry. It hurts to admit this, but even if I had a long life ahead of me I wouldn't have been able to live happily with you and be with you, Natalia, no matter how much I care about you. I'm hollow on the inside, and blank on the outside. The only things I can feel anymore are pain, and anger. But part of that pain is an ache to be more than I am, and part of it knows that if I had been given more time in this world, I would have liked to feel human again; that you would have been able to help me. You were the only person I ever knew who cared about _me_, the real me, over my hyperresonance. I'm surrounded by people who keep trying to use me for their own ends, and I'm sick of it. Part of me doesn't mind dying because of that. But part of me hates that I'm dying, because I feel like there should be more to life than this. Part of me knows that I have one last, cherished promise that I won't be able to keep. And one last part of me is truly, deeply sorry.

I guess in the end, my replica won't be able to serve his purpose. You discovered that I still exist, and this may be a bit presumptuous (wow did I spell that right?) but maybe you'll still miss me when I'm gone. After having two Lukes, maybe it will feel strange just having one again? I feel like it's the only thing I can hold on to anymore, so I'll just close my eyes and imagine you crying for me. I probably won't have a grave, since I never really existed, and I was never really missed. But I will die knowing that it was all to protect you. That's why I became a God-General, you know, to protect you from harm, and to keep watch over you from afar. I really hope nobody else is reading this, but I guess if I'm dead it doesn't matter anymore right? God, it's so weird knowing you're going to die, but I'm kind of glad Ginji made me write this. I feel a little better already, just knowing that someone will remember my life as being something more than a curiosity. I mean, even my parents just saw me as a tool, they made me go through all those tests and never once tried to see it from my point of view. You are just so amazing, Natalia, and I'm actually kind of glad I got to see you again. It hurts more this way, but it's so nice, too… and you are so much more beautiful than I had imagined, so much lovelier than my memories of you. God, it hurts just thinking about you right now, because I know that I'll die before I see you again.

You knew all along that my face is just a mask, didn't you? You saw right through me, but you didn't try to break it down. You saw that I was just using it to protect myself. And when you called me "Luke" those few times before, I shivered but it wasn't because I was angry. Sorry, it's just nobody had called me Luke in so long… but you remembered me for who I was, instead of the heartless sentry I've become. "Asch" is who I am now, "Luke" is the name of that dreck who replaced me, but it was a nice sentiment, and I never was able to admit that to you in person either. Oh, and tell Guy that I'm still glad we were friends, because it sounds a hell of a lot less cheesy coming from you than it would have coming from me. Van explained everything, but I still spent a lot of my childhood with him. I guess I'm running out of things to say, it's just I've never talked this much (or written, I guess) in probably my whole life. I've always been pulled in different directions, forced from one path to another… I've never really taken the time to look back on it all. It's kind of soothing, in a way.

I don't know how to do this part, Natalia. I kind of don't want to. Me writing all of this so suddenly makes it feel so final. I'm going to release Lorelei if I can, before I die. I want the world to keep existing, with you in it. So be careful, and don't do anything stupid. Marry someone who will take good care of you, and find your own happiness in the freedom of this new world I'm leaving for you. Without the score, you can do anything you want. The gamble is with chance, so use your insight and wisdom to find your own way… well, I know you will. Everything is turning out for the best, so put one of your smiles on for me, okay? That's my last request. Natalia, I love you.

Goodbye.

~Asch.

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Asch re-read the letter in his hand, and sighed heavily. He stacked the three sheets nicely so that the corners lined up, and looked at the first page again. "As if I could ever actually let someone read this."

He took the papers and shredded them mercilessly, taking each strip and shredding it three more times until he had pieces small enough to be confetti. Ginji turned around to try and talk him out of destroying the letter, but as he had to be piloting the ship, he couldn't have done much to prevent it. Smiling, Asch pushed out one of the windows and let air blow around the cabin for a moment before he opened his hand, and sent the scraps spiraling down to Auldrant.

"I'm sure it would have been a really nice letter… shame you had to toss it, Asch."

"Yeah, I guess." He sat down again, and crossed one leg over the other, leaning back in his seat.

"What made you tear it up?" Ginji kept his eyes on the skies ahead, but he couldn't help being curious.

"It said everything I've always kept to myself, it explained every part of who I am… but it just wasn't me." Asch stared thoughtfully at the ceiling and tried to sort out what he was feeling- Ginji just kept his hands on the wheel and tried not to feel anything at all. What could he do for a guy like that? Pity would be an insult to Asch, sadness would be salt in those wounds, and encouragement would just make him angry, so... the best way to satisfy him could only be, to feel nothing at all.

Behind him, Ginji heard Asch struggling with chest pain again. It seemed to be getting worse all the time, and he listened on as the teenager gasped for breath, coughing emptily in the back seat. The letter he had spent hours writing was gone, all evidence of his reflections gone with it. Despite all the roughness, though, Ginji still knew the kid had a heart- even if it was buried deep inside, it was still there. But Ginji never took his eyes off the clouds ahead, and he did the only thing he could do for Asch- he pretended to feel nothing, and continued trying to keep his hands from shaking the airplane's delicate steering wheel.

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**A/N: ** Somehow, Asch became my favorite character now that I've had time to think. He's always in the background, pushed to the side, and though he's really important he's always just trying to get away from everybody. You can tell that he still cares about Natalia... but his life is so lonely. He seems content enough on his own, but it's all just a front. All he really wants is someone to understand him...

I love Luke, and Guy, and Jade... but Asch is the one character I can connect with the most. And there goes Ginji, falling for the same trick eveyone else does- Asch doesn't want silence, even though he demands it in the way he speaks and acts. All Asch is really asking for is for someone to care about him. All he needs is someone to ask him how he's feeling, and not back down when he tells them to leave him alone. The one thing Asch needs in his life is for someone to save him from himself.

And... now that I've ranted for today, that is all. Tata! xD


End file.
